Navigating Life Motherless
“MUM, MUM, MUMMMMYY” I hear my boys cry, and every time I want to do the same.
Losing a mother is like losing a piece of yourself.
People would tell me how “lucky” I was that I had her for as long as I did.
I didn’t feel lucky.
The Back Story
I was 26 and we had just began to reform our relationship from mother-daughter to two women who shared an understanding and respect for each other. “Lucky” would be getting to have her by my side for another 30 years, to be there for my wedding, to see me pregnant, meet my boys and comfort me in the depths of post natal depression.
But I didn’t get that and neither did she.
Little did I know that one phone call could destroy the world as I knew it and eventually shift me on a trajectory I never knew possible.
The Effects of Grief
Grief not only affects you but the people around you, in the beginning people rally and those you haven’t spoken to in years seemingly reappear as old friendships are rekindled, and at the same time those friendships that you have had for years, the people you thought would always be there can begin to slip away.
After a few weeks, people start to move on with their lives, as they should, but you are left feeling the same as you did on day one, consumed with the thoughts of having to live life without your Mum while trying to function and manage your emotions to “fit back in” to normal life and society.
In the beginning the smallest things would set me into a spiral and I would have to leave events and cry the whole way home, then it was having to see daughters with their mothers at all of the baby classes you take your kids to and that was a stab through the heart knowing I would never get that.
Some days I would wake to what felt like a giant grey cloud above my head, I couldn’t outrun it, I couldn’t outthink it, I just had to sit it it with my feelings and wait for the storm to pass. I would try to hold my feelings in for the day at work and then husband would come home to find me incomprehensible and crying hysterically. Often the next morning the cloud had disappeared and the sun has once again come out but even now I am still always anticipating and waiting for the cloud to reappear- thankfully with time these days are few and far between now.
Speaking with a psychologist helped to validate a lot of my feelings and work through the trauma of Mum’s passing. I had a lot of trouble sleeping and was haunted by the image of Mum dead on and off for years but I have learnt strategies to cope with this now and it doesn’t affect me as much any more.
Having to work with sick people really drained me, especially those who didn’t take care of themselves or have any interest in trying to help themselves, yet here I was with a dead mother, who did look after herself, having to help them.
I was extremely angry and bitter and I remember in the early weeks of being back at work having to scan an abdomen on a young guy who should have fasted from midnight the night before- but he had eaten Hungry Jacks at midnight just so he wouldn’t have to go so long without food. He was overweight and gassy and I couldn’t see a thing, I wanted to scream and cry and throw my camera at him in frustration.
Lessons Learnt
It took me a long time to turn my anger into empathy for people who have made choices that have led them down a path of poor health and that was part of the reason for me wanting to study Naturopathy.
To understand what drives these choices and help people before it becomes too late.
I don’t like the term “everything happens for a reason” because thats just bullsh*t.
I do however like to rephrase this to “You can learn something from everything”.
Had Mum not died my life would be very different, I have no doubt my circle of friends would be different and I wouldn’t have had the balls or drive to attempt a career change at 31. This has also made me want to live every day wanting more for myself and my family.
Not long after Mum’s death I spoke with a psychic medium, and each to their own, believe what you like, but I found it incredibly comforting. She spoke about my wedding, the funeral and how Mum felt like a rock star with so many people in attendance. At her funeral we read a poem called “Look for me in rainbows”, I see them everywhere and the boys now come and get me whenever they see one to tell me Nannie Steph is saying hello.
11:11 pops up all the times, Mums favourite number was 11 (it was always her basketball number) and I see it in the uncanniest of places.
I am lucky, lucky to have a beautiful family, a house, a healthy mobile body and friends who love me for me.
I am not lucky to have had my Mum die when I was 26, but I am going to take the lessons i’ve learnt and spread them far and wide to help people avoid having to go through the same pain my family and I have.
Where to get help:
Group Support: Motherless Daughters Australia is a not for profit foundation that provides support to women to help them grieve one of life’s most special bonds.
Psychological Support: Better Help is an online counselling service that can be undertaken in the comfort of your own home.
Immediate Psychological support: please contact your GP if you are not coping or Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14
Look For Me In Rainbows
Time for me to go now, I won’t say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.
In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,
Just look for me & love me,
As you know I love you.
Time for me to go now, I won’t say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.
In the evening sunset,
When all the world is through,
Just look for me & love me
And I’ll be close to you.
It won’t be forever, the day will come & then
My loving arms will hold you,
When we meet again.
Time for us to part now, we won’t say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.
Every waking moment and
All your whole life through
Just look for me & love me,
As you know I loved you.
Just wish me near to you
And I’ll be there with you.
